Monday
Aug242009
Anniversary!
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 9:28AM 
Photo credit: S. Truuvert
Jeff and I were married 18 years ago today. We've been through our share of ups and downs over the years but as I mentioned a little while back, things have been "up" for a long time now. I'm happier with our relationship now than I've ever been, and things just keep getting better.
Every marriage is different, but here are some things I've learned along the way and from talking to other married couples. If you're in a happy longterm relationship (married or no), feel free to share your experience as well!
- Enjoy the "hearts and roses" honeymoon phase of the relationship in the beginning, but don't expect this to last forever. As I've mentioned before, this is just the appetizer. The real reward is the main course.
- Talk about the Important Stuff before you get married, and especially before you have kids.
- Don't go into the marriage expecting to change the other person. Once you're married, don't try to change the other person. This advice came from good friends of ours who have been married 50 years.
- Don't take good times for granted. If you're content/happy with the relationship, let your partner know. Don't just talk about the relationship when you're having problems.
- Continue to pursue your own interests. Don't feel compelled to spend every free moment with the other person, or go to every social event as a couple. Jeff and I both have mutual friends, but we also have our own close friends. We've also found that we're solitary souls at heart, and need a lot of quiet alonetime. We don't get hurt if the other person sometimes doesn't want us around (as long as they say so nicely).
- Honesty is good, but beware of too much honesty. If little things bug you about what your partner is doing, think hard before you mention them. If they're important enough, do talk about them but do so benevolently and NOT in the middle of an argument. But if they're little things that happen infrequently, just forget about them and move on. Chances are good that your partner's doing the same. :-)
- Don't be afraid of fights. They happen in all relationships, good or bad. During a fight, try VERY HARD not to drag old emotional baggage into the argument. Try to focus on positives, like what you can both do to prevent the situation from happening again. In some situations, be prepared to agree to disagree; this isn't the optimum way to end an argument, of course, but it happens.
- Don't be afraid to admit when you're wrong. Don't be afraid to apologize.
- Most importantly, treat your partner like your best friend. This one statement overlaps with quite a few of the points above. Sometimes we tend to take our partners for granted and forget this. Treat your partner with respect, no matter how you're feeling or who else is around.
Anyone else have advice to offer? Please do post it!
tagged Friends & Family in Featured
Friends & Family in Featured
Reader Comments (20)
Congratulations!
Wow, this is great advice for a long, happy marriage. I'll be married 10 years next month, and I can't think of another thing to add!
Happy Anniversary Debbie and Jeff! Very good advice here. We're coming up on our 31st next week. :)
Second that--excellent advice!
Congratulations on the Anniversary!
James and I have been together for four years and married for one, life isn't all puppy-dogs and fluffy bunnies, in fact we usually joke that our relationship is like its been going for 40years!
We argue, who doesn't ;) but one thing my parents told me and I'll never forget it:
DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON AN ARGUMENT!
It works very well, if you let the argument go to bed with you either one or both of you will resent it.
Lisa (@Lisa107b
I don't have any additional advice. I just wanted to congratulate you on your anniversary. You must be doing somethig right to be married 18 years.
All the best,
Auntie Flamingo
Congratulations! You have a great list, can't think of a thing to add.
The Love of My Life and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary in a couple of weeks, and we were together 6 years before that.
Holding Hands in Colorado,
Peg.
Hi, came in through twitter. :) Congratulations on 18 years, hope that there are many many more. And I love this picture!
Advice? I've been married a YEAR so I don't have much. The one piece I'd give is that: Other people can't read your mind. If you want something, just ask directly. Don't mope around getting annoyed that someone hasn't unloaded the dishwasher if they have no idea they're supposed to do it! This also works with birthdays/anniversaries. Saying if you want a dinner/whatever/skip it completely to commemorate way ahead of time makes both of us less stressed out!
Congratulations! And top notch advice! I'll definitely take it to heart for my impending marriage.
You're much wiser than I was after 18 years--but I made it to 38 (so far) anyway!
Care enough to fight occasionally, and keep your sense of humor.
Congratulations to both of you!
Happy Anniversary! Love that photo.
Any advice to add? You've pretty much touched on all the important stuff...but I guess I might add how important it is to have humour in a marriage/relationship. I couldn't imagine my marriage to my husband Guy without all the fun and laughter.
Happy Anniversary to both of you! Dan and I are approaching our first pretty soon :)
Congratulations and Happy 18th Anniversary.
This advice has come at a perfect time, as I'm getting married in less than six weeks. Since we have banished the word "divorce" from our vocabulary, I'm sure this advice will come in handy in the future.
The only words of wisdom I would add are:
* Put each other first.
* Be faithful.
* Support each other's dreams.
* Actively work to keep the romance alive.
* And above all, laugh together.
Congrats to you!
Next month, we celebrate 21, but aqre living together for 26 years. We're like dinosaurs in our circle of friends ;-)
It hasn't always ben sunshine, but we remembered our vow to stick together in good and BAD times. And that's one of the main things. Also compromises, no ego-trips. And it works :-)
Have fun celebrating!
What Lisa said: never go to bed angry. Also can phrased "go to bed with your spouse, not your anger."
Hi, it's MarFisk from Twitter. Congrats on your anniversary. It's a good year for it as my hubby and I also just passed out 18th :).
The one thing I'd add to your list as its one that I struggled with is a correlary to: Don’t go into the marriage expecting to change the other person
- Don't go into the marriage expecting the other person to stay the same. As time passes, you both will grow and mature. The trick is to nurture those things that you enjoy together, while not (as you mentioned) expecting everything to be that way.
Happy Anniversary!
Congratulations!
I guess you love Jeff even more than you love your iPhone ...
We are almost anniversary twins: ours is tomorrow.
I cannot disagree with a single thing you said.
Happy Anniversary, you two! Here's to eighteen more. :)
You've pretty much outlined just about everything that keeps James and I together after nineteen years. He's my best friend - and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
*hugs* to you both!
Happy Anniversary!
Thanks so much for the anniversary wishes, everyone!
To Joey: yes, it's true. I do love Jeff more than I love my iPhone. :-D