thanks and a survey

This past weekend, I sang in a Stan Rogers tribute concert with Dandelion Wine in front of a large-ish audience.

I can already sense shrugging shoulders and a "So what?" from a vast majority of you out there. "You're used to performing with Urban Tapestry. What's the big deal?"

Photo courtesy Allison.

In the audience, however, there were those who knew what I was going through, and what my journey's been like. And were probably grateful, as I was, that I didn't faint or throw up by the end. :-D

To put things in perspective: Over 20 ago, when I first came upon filking, I sat in the back and listened. After a year or two, I started bringing my flute. Didn't actually take it out of its CASE, mind you, but still sat in the back with the flute safely hidden in its case, which in turn was safely hidden in my knapsack. Sometimes I'd even take the case out and put it on the floor beside my feet.

Several conventions later, I managed to work up the nerve to take the flute out of its case and noodle timidly along with the occasional song, but playing so quietly that no one could possibly hear me unless they had their head in my lap, an admittedly rare audience listening situation. My hands would sometimes be shaking so hard that a lap-listener might have commented on my unusual vibrato back then.


Photo courtesy Allison.

At some point, Mary Ellen Wessels and Clif Flynt dragged me kicking and screaming into the limelight, and I began playing flute a little more confidently with their encouragement and that of others. Over the years, I gradually got better. I even started doing the occasional flute solo, something I thought I'd never be able to do.

Then I hooked up with Urban Tapestry. By this time, I wasn't quite as nervous when playing the flute in public and happily noodled along on UT songs in open filk circles and in concert. Occasionally someone would ask if I sang. I'd laugh at them and shake my head. Me? SING? No way.

But I underestimated the rapport and trust that grew between the members of Urban Tapestry, the encouragement and support. One day I nervously volunteered to add a third harmony to something we were working on: a Brady Bunch song, I think (!). Allison and Jodi were delighted. The first time I sang with them in public, I was incredibly nervous. My voice shook, veering wildly off-key. I apologized to them later, but they reassured me that I had done just fine.



I started adding more harmonies here and there. From time to time, they'd ask me if I wanted to sing lead. Horrified, I always said no. "I'm happy singing harmonies," I declared. "I'm never ever singing lead." I knew I didn't have a stellar voice and the thought of anyone actually being able to hear it exposed (i.e. without the comfort of Allison's and Jodi's voices masking my own) scared me to death.

Ok, so by now you probably know what's coming next.

One day I actually did agree to sing lead on a verse (ONE verse) in a new song I had written, Hey Tom. It was within my narrow vocal range but, more importantly, I knew how surprised/tickled Tom would be. He was, making all the stress worth it. :-)

And y'know, it wasn't QUITE as traumatic as I thought it would be. Almost, but not quite. Hm, I thought. I could maybe do this again sometime. Then last year, I sang "I'm Gonna Make A Rocketship" in Germany, the first time I'd ever sung lead on a song in concert. Allison and Jodi sang harmonies and counterpoint.


Photo courtesy Rob Wynne.

In the past few year I've been going to some housefilks without Allison or Jodi. Normally I'm content to just listen, but at Sue Posteraro's housefilk I decided that I wanted the local filkers to hear Urban Tapestry's new song, Wo Ist Der Bahnhof?!. So in that circle of familiar and supportive faces, I sang a song by myself for the very first time.

Bolstered by that experience, I sang a song by myself in the open filk at GAfilk for the first time; I remember hearing the calls of encouragement from Judith Hayman and Peggi Warner-Lalonde. Then Dave Clement asked if I'd sing David Francey's "Torn Screen Door" and "Saints and Sinners" with him. The latter was a song I learned the week before GAfilk, prompted by an e-mail from Dave. With support from Dave and Tom, I agreed to do it in open filk and then the concert they were donating to Interfilk; I hadn't realized at that time that Sue would generously open up her private concert to the whole convention! Dave and I had worked up a version of "Torn Screen Door" a year or two back; we had sung it the first time at a small circle at a filk convention. Erica Neely was sitting behind me, I remember, and she whispered encouragement just before we launched into the song, knowing how nervous I was. I mean geez, I was singing with DAVE CLEMENT.


Photo courtesy John Hall.

But I'll stop rambling and get to the point...

Some performers are lucky enough to arrive on the scene with the confidence and skill level without having to worry about performance jitters or massive insecurities.

Some, however, are like me and have had to work at it very hard, helped by the support and patience of others. I think about that every time I see (and strongly identify with) a shy filker in a circle, someone whose talents are still developing, who sits nervously clutching a lyric sheet or instrument as they wait for their turn. I feel very lucky to have had the nurturing environment of the filk community helping to nudge me into reaching beyond my comfort zone, and I try to give back when I can.

Here's a poll for all you musician types out there, beginning or seasoned: Do you have anyone to whom you're especially grateful because of their encouragement and support? If you have a blog, feel free to answer in your blog but be sure to post your link so I can find it!

My poll answer: I'm grateful to the filk community in general, of course, but especially grateful to Allison, Jodi, Jeff, Mary Ellen, Clif, Rand, Dave, Tom, Erica, Kathleen, Judith and the rest of the Toronto-area filkers.


Urban Tapestry's audience in Germany.

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