inkspot memories

Last week, I finally sorted through the last boxes of old Inkspot papers which had been taking up room in the corner of Jeff's office. Weird to think that Inkspot's been gone for over two years now; Xlibris shut it down on Feb. 14th, 2001. Not my favourite Valentine's Day.

There was a flurry of speculation and comments, both public and private, soon after and in the years following. Most expressed regret. Some gloated, saying I had received my just reward for "selling out". I figure it's about time to clear up a few misunderstandings about what happened.

I did not sell Inkspot to get rich.

My main motivation for selling Inkspot was because it had grown to the point where I could no longer manage it on my own. I was stretched too thin; I needed help. I also knew that Inkspot could be so much more, given added investment. I spent a long time checking out various companies who approached me about buying Inkspot.

I did not get rich from selling Inkspot.

I got some cash (and as part of the deal, arranged for the same amount of cash to be distributed among Inkspot contract help and volunteers) and some equity.

But more importantly...

I didn't just "walk away" from Inkspot.

Inkspot was so much more than just a business commodity to me. I had started Inkspot from scratch as a one page list of links for children's writers, nurtured it over the years, taken great pride and pleasure in seeing it flourish and bring value to the writing community. I know this can't compare to the experience of actually having children, but since Jeff and I don't plan to have any of our own, it's the closest I'll ever come. :-)

Things started to go wrong very soon after I sold Inkspot to Xlibris. I would have resigned if it hadn't been for Inkspot; I couldn't bear the thought of leaving Inkspot unprotected after spending so many years closely involved with its growth, nor did I want to abandon my columnists and others who had helped. Besides, I naively figured that if I worked very hard and tried to be a Good Team Player, things would work out in the end.

Right.

When I finally did resign, it was because I realized I had no other option. Partly because of the bursting of the dot-com bubble but also because the company had grown too quickly too fast, things got even worse, and I found myself stretched even thinner than before I sold Inkspot.

Until I left, I fought as hard as I could for Inkspot, tried to insulate the Inkspot community from the chaos as much as I could. I used to be the type of person who dreaded confrontation and who would do almost anything to avoid it. That changed once I realized that it was up to me to fight for what had been originally promised for Inkspot, to keep those promises from being conveniently forgotten.

But where I was originally only dealing with one person (the CEO of a relatively small company) during deal negotiations, I found myself now having to deal with the politics and power struggles of a multilayered corporate hierarchy in much larger company:

Conversation with my supervisor about a month and a half before I resigned:

ME: "I saw your e-mail outlining the project schedule. You KNOW that it's impossible for my team to meet that deadline."

SUPERVISOR: "Yes, I do."

ME (flabbergasted): "Then why put it in the schedule?"

SUPERVISOR (shrugging): "Sorry, my hands are tied here. The order came from above."

What finally made me resign was the realization that nothing I could do would make a difference. I felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall. Even so, leaving Inkspot was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life.

After Inkspot's shutdown, my mailbox was flooded with supportive e-mails. They helped a great deal; leaving Inkspot was like leaving a part of me behind, and it took many months for me to shake off the grief, the feeling of loss. I still miss Inkspot.

But every now and again, I get e-mails like the following:

---

"Feb. 12, 2003

Dear Debbie,

Here is another one of those thanks for Inkspot/Inklings - pre-Xlibris - I loved going to your site and getting your newsletter. I am one of those wannabe authors. My profession is in Computers but I love books and writing. Your newsletter and website always inspired me to write. I loved mostly your market reports. and I must say they really worked for me.† It got me my first online published article - (my first writing paycheck) and several other published articles. I just loved to page through the markets till I found one perfect for me and there was always something interesting.

I was very saddened to hear of the demise of Inkspot and I still miss the newsletter it always started my creative 'juices' flowing... I subscribe to several newsletters and sites - and some are close but yours was the best.

I was very happy to find your new site - and all the links it contains. Best wishes for all your future endeavors and thanks for all the advice, inspiration and encouragement.

Matt S."

---

And whenever I receive a letter like this, the Bad Stuff fades a bit more, and I'm reminded again of why I started Inkspot in the first place.

Feb/2003 comments: Read | Post | LJ

daredevil

Minor Daredevil spoilers later in this entry, just to warn you.

Yesterday, I forced myself to stay off my computer most of the day because of mild case of tendonitis in my right arm. I'm amazed that I have only experienced repetitive stress symptoms only once before in my life; I spend so many of my waking hours on the keyboard, after all. Having said that, I still feel stupid for this most recent lapse.

I know what exactly what caused it this time. When I switched over to OSX, I had to move my Cumulus photo catalogs as well. This involved a lot of repetitive mouse-oriented tasks, and I was stupid enough to engage in this process for several hours on Wednesday evening without taking a break. My right arm was sore by the time I went to bed, and worse the next morning. Even a few minutes of typing/mousework with my right hand was enough to send shooting pains up my arm.

Not good, I realized. Despite my desire to work on my novel and several deadlines approaching, I decided to stay off my computer yesterday after uploading Blatherings. Better to lose one day than risk losing many more. My livelihood revolves around being able to use the computer, don't want to mess with that.

Back on today. My arm's still sore, but I've switched my mouse to the left side of my keyboard, and am also trying to type as much as possible with my left hand.

But back to Daredevil.

Jeff, Angela, Parki and I went to see it last night. Ugh. I haven't disliked a movie so much in a long time. I had heard mixed reviews, but had hopes anyway. I was appalled by the writing. I hatedHATED what they did to Elektra's character. And Ben Affleck just didn't cut it for me as a superhero. I started cringing every time he put on his costume; he was semi-believeable as a blind lawyer, but laughable as Daredevil.

I couldn't help but compare the movie to Spiderman. Tobey Maguire would never strike me as an actor that could pull off the superhero role either, but it worked. Maybe because the writing was better, and more time was spent on character development as well as showing how his character gradually became Spiderman, making some mistakes along the way. He knew how to laugh at himself without losing dignity, was vulnerable at the same time as being heroic. I believed in Spiderman, rooted for him.

Ben Affleck's character, however, seemed to turn into a superhero overnight, with an unearned arrogance that assumed the audience would immediately be on his side, enthralled at his superhero prowess, gasping with awe at his lightning fast reflexes and enhanced special effects. Too much time was spent on his character in various brooding rooftop poses, not enough time on character development.

And I will refrain from a full-on rant about how much I disliked about what they did with Elektra's character. I would have been far more accepting of how completely they changed her background if they hadn't turned her into such an over-emotional doe-eyed wimpy WEAKLING. At a formal dinner party, explaining to Matt why she had dressed up: "I wanted to look beautiful for YOU, Matt. I wish you could see me now."

Gag! Puke! Sigh.

Links/News:

Flash Psychic: Thanks to Ray for the link. Jeff figured out how this works...can you?

Feb/2003 comments: Read | Post | LJ

baby! and a food poll

Congratulations to Julie & Kevin Duffy! (Julie posts as "jwordsmith" in Blatherchat)

Angus Ronan Duffy was born on February 18th at 9:07 am. Other stats: 8 lbs 7 oz, 21 inches.





NEW FOOD POLL:

To you cooks out there -- What is the most complicated thing you've ever attempted to cook/bake? Did it turn out okay? Did you make it more than once?

Feb/2003 comments: Read | Post | LJ

an old Valentine

(Click for bigger image)



Not surprisingly, I'm finding that the last half of my NaNoWriMo novel is a lot rougher than the first half. I'm basically rewriting it, only referring to my old version for some of the ideas I want to keep.

I'm still torn about whether I want to do the NaNoWriMo thing this coming November. It was a worthwhile experience once, but whether I do it again will depend heavily on how my writing goes between now and then.

I've purposely slowed down my search for new magazine articles for the next short while so I can focus on finishing my novel.

Today's Blatherpic

(from the Jeff Birthday Scrapbook)

About twelve years ago, before Jeff and I got married, I sent a Valentine letter to a CITY-TV Breakfast Television Valentine contest without telling Jeff.

And I won. Jeff is not a morning person, nor is he the type to seek out media attention, so you can imagine his reaction when I said one morning, "Um, hon? Guess what? I won the Breakfast Television Valentine's Contest and they want us to be at the tv station tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m." I remember saying it as a very fast run-on sentence so he couldn't interrupt me.

But he was a good sport and agreed (partly because I was excited about the prize, which was a limo ride and a nice dinner and a night at the Chestnut Park Hotel in a fancy suite). Ann Rohmer was the host back then, and as the two of us sat on chairs on camera, she read aloud the poem I had sent in, and then showed everyone the picture I had drawn of Jeff (see the picture at the top of the page). This was also the first time Jeff had seen the entry.

We were both very nervous on camera but it was fun. The limo never did show up when it was supposed to, but we did get a free dinner and night in the fancy suite.

And Jeff made me promise not to enter any more Valentine's Day contests. :-)

Feb/2003 comments: Read | Post | LJ

why i write

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While I was snooping about looking for blackmail material to stick into Jeff's Birthday Scrapbook several weeks ago, I came across several books I had given him as gifts. One was a Choose Your Own Adventure book, written just for him, with illustrations scattered throughout. The other was a picture book called Constance and Eugene Meet Mad Man Malacchi, which I wrote and illustrated for him in 1989, then had custom-bound in hardcover.

Both were fun to create since they're not usually the type of writing I do. For the Choose Your Own Adventure, I bought a hardbound sketchbook from an art store and started writing; yes, I actually could write by hand in those days. For the picture book, I did my illustrations in black ink, watercolour, and pencil crayon. The picture at the top of the page is from the picture book; click to see a bigger image.

Jeff brought both to show Sara and Annie a couple weeks ago. It was the first time that Sara and Annie had seen anything I had written, and Jeff introduced the books without a great deal of fanfare, settling into the bedtime ritual as usual, with Sara nestled close beside him, Annie lying on top of his back, peering over his shoulder.

And I lay beside them, fascinated and delighted as both girls quickly immersed themselves in the stories as if the books weren't anything unusual.

"Did YOU do this?" asked Annie, turning to me suddenly in the middle of Constance. I smiled and nodded, bracing myself for whatever straightforward comment she might have.

"You're GOOD!" she said, obviously impressed, then turned back to listening to Jeff's reading.

Whew. :-)



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Then came the Choose Your Own Adventure book. I was somewhat nervous about this, since I had based the book on the idea that the reader (Jeff) found himself as part of Mervyn Peake's Titus Groan story...i.e. I was writing for an adult, not a child.

To my surprise, they got right into it. Agonizing over every choice, getting excited, tense, delighted, apprehensive, eager to turn the page. The book was too long to finish at one bedtime story sitting, so Jeff has come back to it several weeks in a row now. Each time he asks if they'd prefer something else, each time they ask to go back to my story.

And meanwhile I'm sitting quietly on the sidelines as they read the book, melting with delight they're reading my book and enjoying it so much that they forgot I wrote it. I'm also desperately wishing that they were reading a book I had specifically written for young people, of course. ("What's a 'ski bunny'?" asked Sara as she read aloud from my Choose Your Own Adventure story.)

I've decided that I have to make one for each of them, perhaps as birthday or Christmas gifts.

The experience also reminded me all over again why at heart, I'll always be a children's writer, no matter what else I write. I do enjoy writing nonfiction and get a certain satisfaction out of that, but nothing gives me as much joy as writing fiction for young people. The thought of a child or teenager reading my books and becoming so engrossed in the story that they can't bear to put it down...THAT is a large part of why I write.

Links/News:

I've set up an Urban Tapestry weblog so that Jodi, Allison and I can post news about our new CD project, Sushi and High Tea, as well as news about our upcoming gigs, con schedule, songwriting efforts, etc.

Feb/2003 comments: Read | Post | LJ